How did I get this out of trying to write a personal statment prompt?

This is hard for me to do when I’m not sure about my world. Everything feels turned on its head, as if I’m in some Alice in Wonderland bull shit. I’m rather sick of it. How can I “be myself” or “express me” when I’m not even sure who “me” is? I feel like I have a name that doesn’t fit my face, like you ever met someone that you think ‘oh they look like a Jessica, not a Brittany,’? Kinda how I’m feeling, like I’m jammed into clothing that doesn’t fit, the sphere in the square hole syndrome. How do I stop feeling like this?
Ah, Identity crisis.

Stupid normy kids

I don't get why people get angry at me being happy, I just don't. Some one asked me today why I'm so happy, in a very angry tone. I honestly can't give that a good reason, I mean it's just I don't have a reason to be sad, being apathetic seems boring, and being angry all the time just burns up to much energy, I'm not productive when I'm angry. I think part of it is that life sucks enough with out me making my self more miserable. Having my friends is enough for me for now, being kept fed (even if I do tend to bitch about food) is enough, having a home to go to is enough for now, it's my goal to make this year the most memorable for the circle.

"Remember, Man, as you pass by
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so you shall be
Prepare for Death and follow me"
"To follow you I'll not consent
Until I know the way you went."
From a tombestone.

Posting to avoid bed time.

I'm scared to sleep, I'm scared to think. I feel like sadness in pulling me down, maybe I've just bee keeping my happy face up to long? I'm startign to feel imaterial, like I don't really exist. I don't feel empty, I feel like the basics of what makes up me are all that's left, and are ready to be blown away be the strong winds in the terible and lonely place. I don't have a name for it, not exsistance, I don't feel like I have the right to call the state I'm in right now exsisting. Surviving might be a better term.

Did I lose your trust? Hell, I don't know if I've ever even give you the link to this blog, but I'm talkgin abot it any ways. If this is so big, I've been deeply involved in this for so long, why did I have to find out in such a round about way? Can I even bring this up to you next time we talk? Or will I be afraid of hurting you, so I'll shove what I want to say down for the first time in a very long time.
"Why don't you smile?"
"The question is, Why do you choose to?" (quote from I have no idea, it was on Sara's blog)

I smile because I know how to do little else to help.

What other role do I play? if some one should happen to figure this out before me, can you let me know?

rambling late at night(late for me), fun stuff man.

Nope, that's all

I just had one of those really odd memories.

Just form when I was little, I remember watching my Mom fold laundry. I was amazed at how she always made them so perfect looking, nice and neat little rectangles for shirts and such. I tried to do it, but I was clumsy and couldn’t, so I gave up.

I guess there’s a connection, I’m doing my laundry now, folding stuff, thinking about how I still can’t make it look as nice as my Mom does.

I guess it comes with years of practice.

What I’m trying to get at is, I was amazed by someone folding laundry.

I miss that childish sense of wonder, or being amazed by just life.
By the sun and the trees.
That still happens for me I guess, I’ll be walking somewhere, and for one split second, awe washing over me, as I realize where I am, and what it really looks like, not just that, but the smells, and the sounds. And I try to figure out how to fit in, and then I realize, I’m over thinking that childish awe.
I don’t need a reason to take it all in, I just need to take it all in.

And now for some thing completly diferent

Now that emotional rant is done with, I'm stoked about Saturday, Sara and I are heading down to little Tokyo by Metro (Train!!) Sara got recomandations on where to go from Kerwin, Ren and I think that's it. I'm lookg forward to some real Ramen, mmm Ramen, have to get money from my Mom though, or get her to take me to the bank at least. I'm hoping to go and at least see the fashion district. (A nerd that's inot fashion, who da thunk it?)

But Weird Al tomarow, that's going to own face

I needa figure out what I'm good at fast so I can make a living off it :P

Two blog posts in 24 hours, I'm kinda sad, ain't I? XP

-Grace

Warning, Emotional rant ahead, I just needa dump, skip if you like, may or may not be relevent

Damn it, Damn it Damn it.


What the hell is going on? is it just every one decided to fly off the handle at once? People are being sad, or pissy, or a combination of the two.

Okay, so most of them have pretty good reasons, and there isn't much I can do. I try to cheer people up, or keep things up beat, because that’s all I really can do.

Sustaining my cheerful self is draining me, I'm trying to give people my happiness, because I hate it when my friends are sad, or angry, or they don’t think they're good enough, or that no one cares.

I care.

Need a shoulder to cry on? I'm here.
Need someone to bitch to? I'm here.
Need to not talk about some thing, tell me what not to talk about, then I'll find something else to talk about.
Just need an ear? I can do that to; I can shut up, believe it or not.

I just want my friends to be happy.

I want to burn all the whore preps that cause us to nerd rage, cry, scream, rant and make our lives more difficult.

I hate being alone, I don't want my friends to feel alone, because I know that feeling.
It sucks.

It sucks to be standing in a room full of laughing people, but still feel so lonely.

Maybe I talk to so and so more then so and so.

But I still care, I just...

I want to know what's wrong.
I want to know what's hurting you.

I want to laugh with you, even if it doesn't make the hurt go away,
It helps a bit, don't you think?

Congrads if you made it to the end of this, because I don’t think I’ll be reading this again, I just needed to spill my guts, hopefully by the time any one reads this, my outlook will be better.

-Grace