I'm scared to sleep, I'm scared to think. I feel like sadness in pulling me down, maybe I've just bee keeping my happy face up to long? I'm startign to feel imaterial, like I don't really exist. I don't feel empty, I feel like the basics of what makes up me are all that's left, and are ready to be blown away be the strong winds in the terible and lonely place. I don't have a name for it, not exsistance, I don't feel like I have the right to call the state I'm in right now exsisting. Surviving might be a better term.
Did I lose your trust? Hell, I don't know if I've ever even give you the link to this blog, but I'm talkgin abot it any ways. If this is so big, I've been deeply involved in this for so long, why did I have to find out in such a round about way? Can I even bring this up to you next time we talk? Or will I be afraid of hurting you, so I'll shove what I want to say down for the first time in a very long time.
"Why don't you smile?"
"The question is, Why do you choose to?" (quote from I have no idea, it was on Sara's blog)
I smile because I know how to do little else to help.
What other role do I play? if some one should happen to figure this out before me, can you let me know?
rambling late at night(late for me), fun stuff man.
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I know this is a bit late. Maybe my whole reaction is out of date, and the problems have ceased. But maybe not. Even if the chances of the latter are one in a million, that's stil
You exist. No matter what happens, if you keep faith in anything at all, keep faith in that fact. You exist, you have the right, and if you suddenly stopped... I don't know what I would do.
I don't know if the second part is aimed at me, and I honestly hope it isn't because I'd hate to think I've put you through something like this. But on the off chance that it is, you've always had my trust. I don't know what you found out about last September, and I don't know what you've learned since then, but know that you can talk to me about anything. If it hurts me, oh well. I can take it, and I would rather take it than see you in pain that you won't even talk about outside of a blog you never told me about.
Your honest smiles are the brightest I've ever seen, but it hurts to see you using them as a mask. Your friends and family care about you; hiding emotional turmoil will only hurt them- hurt us -in the long run.
And what role do any of us play? Our roles are defined by we ourselves, and the people we affect. To me, you play several roles, from friend, to confidant, to beacon of light, and numerous others that would take too long to type and that I would be too embarrassed to say.
Maybe I shouldn't be responding to this blog. Maybe by doing so, I'm taking away the one place you can really let loose and talk about your problems without worrying about who will be made sad, or who will worry about you. But if I read this kind of thing, and then just tried to forget about it, just ignored the signs, I would never forgive myself. Fear means I can't say the things I want to, but it can't silence me when everything I read makes me think you're hurting.
You used to quote a song lyric to me. I don't remember the exact words, but it went something along the lines of 'I wear my smile so well, people think it's really me'. If you feel like you need to smile, then smile. Even if you're just using it as a mask, smile. But please, through the smile, tell me when something is wrong. You, of all people, should know that I accept people for who they are, and everything that comes with it. You don't need to hide from me.
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